Sick and Tired

12/05/13

There is no invention in all of human history that has had a greater impact on the course of history than the wheel. Without it, cheese would only come in giant bricks, Vanna White would be unemployed and if you wanted to get from point A to point B you better hope there is a slip and slide headed in your direction. This being the case I decided to make the rounds and learn that way of the wheel.

To get a deeper understanding of this critical piece of human innovation I decided to learn something that every person should know to do. Learn how open a Natty Ice with just your teeth? No! That should be Natty instinct Fool! I learned how to correctly change the dreaded flat tire. After rallying some co-workers with the promise of beer and meat we headed to the garage of Patrick to practice this lost art.

The foremost thing you need to remember while changing a tire is to not do it in the middle of the road. Many a raccoon and farm cat have been taught this lesson the hard way, so pulling way off to the shoulder is key.

Next pop that trunk, shove all the empties to one side and whip out that spare tire. Once your shirt is off the traffic will actively go out of their way too avoid you at all costs and you will be free to take the wheel out of your trunk.

Take the jack out of the trunk as well and start jacking off blown tire. Be sure to not loose any of the nuts as these are quite important. If you are lucky enough to have someone with you, you can ask them to clasp your nuts for the time being. Be sure to thank him after!

Next, throw that old tire, along with any Kirstie Alley films in your possession, into the nearest ditch and slap on that new wheel. Tighten the nuts in a star shaped pattern in order to ensure equal disbursement, toss up your favorite gang sign, and drive off like the boss you are.

A not so tarotble experience

3/2/13

While I can't predict what I'll be eating for lunch most days, others try look into the future, probing deeper than that alien spotted outside of Roswell, you could at least by me dinner first!  Oracles and sages have attempted to unravel the mysteries of the future through mysticism since Hercules roamed the Earth and have passed on this knowledge through countless gypsy generations.

Today one of these methods of predicting is Tarot readings. Hogwash! The only thing a card has ever told me is "happy belated birthday, sorry I forgot". Yet, I decided to investigate for myself how inaccurate this prediction could be. Luckily, instead of paying $45 dollars to have a stranger lie to me, my friend Andi had a deck of cards and was eager to tell me cryptic messages for free.

After splitting the deck 8 ways from Sunday I began to draw cards. I first built a straight line of cards that told me who I am. Apparently I am a thinker whose feet is planted in the Blessing. Nothing I would tend to disagree with except they forgot to mention "damn handsome".

Next, I laid down cards that told me about my past. 20/20 hindsight:  Ravens win the Superbowl: 2013, Declaration of Independence signed: 1776, Getting picked last in gym class: Always...boo hoo hoo...Since I'd already experienced my life up to this point I said "hit me" and 3 more cards were flopped on the table

The three cards that laid on the table predicting my future were The Queen of Passage which predicted change, The Bright Spark which indicates a new, sudden passion in life, and The Green Woman which foreshadows a slow, rich growth of change and new direction.

Immediately after getting my reading done I needed to go to the bar. No, not because I needed to drink myself into a stupor over these vague predictions, but to go on a first date with a girl who would become the love of my life.

In retrospect, I may have looked at my current situation through the filter of the cards and reconciled real life with what was foretold. But even if there is no truth behind the "science" of the cards, they still offer an opportunity to reflect on yourself, where you've been, and where you see yourself going.

My current tarot reading right now would show me going...to the bar! You drunkard. No, I meant the BAR EXAM. Lawyership HERE I COME!