nICE Fishing

7/1/14

If you give a man a fish you will feed a man a day. If you teach a man to ice fish he will be out on the lake every weekend during the winter.

In fact, fishing is one of the most crucial developments in human history. Land animals have large, squishy brains that are trained to run like hell if something on two legs is chasing the. Fish, however, are not as smart (despite living in schools!) That was terrible, appologize. I will not. Without the advent of fishing humans would be bound to running after land animals instead of drinking beer in the middle of the lake. To explore this awesome part of civilization I decided to cast my line with my good friend and ice fishing expert, Dan Wodnick.

The first thing I learned about ice fishing is that you don't actually fish with ice. Instead you fish on a lake that is made of ice. This cleared up a lot of misconceptions I had in my head. To get to the promised land you strap a sled around you and reindeer that thing out to the best looking piece of flat, windblown ice you can find on the lake.

Then the work really begins. If you are a real man you hand crank that giant auger you hauled along and make a series of holes. When drilling be careful not to bend the tip by slamming it into the ice. Advice to that can easily be applied to many situations. Give that beast a few cranks and flop your tent right on top of those glorious holes.

Now get cozy. Don't forget to flip on your portable heater. Without it your nards will freeze and it will be much harder to hold your beer. After baiting the hooks drop a line or two, crack one open, and wait for the magic to happen.

 This is always how I imagined ancient peoples fished and can fully understand why they did this instead of chasing a bunch of deer off a cliff. One of the most ever present dangers of ice fishing is setting down your brew. If this happens you get a brew slushy which is a poor consolation prize in my book.

Another nifty gadget of modern fishing is the fish camera that lets you see under da sea. It was just like Fish Idol with many fine young fish attempting to woo us judges with various swimming and nibbling routines. 

In the end a "lucky" few were chosen to go to the final round.

Our giant haul.

Overall my first time ice fishing was amazing. I had a great time sitting in the middle of a frozen lake with a ton of equipment scattered around. Yet, ice holds, beer gets drank, and fish get caught just the way our ancestors did before us. I can't wait to go on another excursion. Thanks again to my wonderful guild. Without him and his cold McDonald's cheeseburgers I would not only have starved, but probably would still be bobbin' around somewhere.

Sick and Tired

12/05/13

There is no invention in all of human history that has had a greater impact on the course of history than the wheel. Without it, cheese would only come in giant bricks, Vanna White would be unemployed and if you wanted to get from point A to point B you better hope there is a slip and slide headed in your direction. This being the case I decided to make the rounds and learn that way of the wheel.

To get a deeper understanding of this critical piece of human innovation I decided to learn something that every person should know to do. Learn how open a Natty Ice with just your teeth? No! That should be Natty instinct Fool! I learned how to correctly change the dreaded flat tire. After rallying some co-workers with the promise of beer and meat we headed to the garage of Patrick to practice this lost art.

The foremost thing you need to remember while changing a tire is to not do it in the middle of the road. Many a raccoon and farm cat have been taught this lesson the hard way, so pulling way off to the shoulder is key.

Next pop that trunk, shove all the empties to one side and whip out that spare tire. Once your shirt is off the traffic will actively go out of their way too avoid you at all costs and you will be free to take the wheel out of your trunk.

Take the jack out of the trunk as well and start jacking off blown tire. Be sure to not loose any of the nuts as these are quite important. If you are lucky enough to have someone with you, you can ask them to clasp your nuts for the time being. Be sure to thank him after!

Next, throw that old tire, along with any Kirstie Alley films in your possession, into the nearest ditch and slap on that new wheel. Tighten the nuts in a star shaped pattern in order to ensure equal disbursement, toss up your favorite gang sign, and drive off like the boss you are.

A not so tarotble experience

3/2/13

While I can't predict what I'll be eating for lunch most days, others try look into the future, probing deeper than that alien spotted outside of Roswell, you could at least by me dinner first!  Oracles and sages have attempted to unravel the mysteries of the future through mysticism since Hercules roamed the Earth and have passed on this knowledge through countless gypsy generations.

Today one of these methods of predicting is Tarot readings. Hogwash! The only thing a card has ever told me is "happy belated birthday, sorry I forgot". Yet, I decided to investigate for myself how inaccurate this prediction could be. Luckily, instead of paying $45 dollars to have a stranger lie to me, my friend Andi had a deck of cards and was eager to tell me cryptic messages for free.

After splitting the deck 8 ways from Sunday I began to draw cards. I first built a straight line of cards that told me who I am. Apparently I am a thinker whose feet is planted in the Blessing. Nothing I would tend to disagree with except they forgot to mention "damn handsome".

Next, I laid down cards that told me about my past. 20/20 hindsight:  Ravens win the Superbowl: 2013, Declaration of Independence signed: 1776, Getting picked last in gym class: Always...boo hoo hoo...Since I'd already experienced my life up to this point I said "hit me" and 3 more cards were flopped on the table

The three cards that laid on the table predicting my future were The Queen of Passage which predicted change, The Bright Spark which indicates a new, sudden passion in life, and The Green Woman which foreshadows a slow, rich growth of change and new direction.

Immediately after getting my reading done I needed to go to the bar. No, not because I needed to drink myself into a stupor over these vague predictions, but to go on a first date with a girl who would become the love of my life.

In retrospect, I may have looked at my current situation through the filter of the cards and reconciled real life with what was foretold. But even if there is no truth behind the "science" of the cards, they still offer an opportunity to reflect on yourself, where you've been, and where you see yourself going.

My current tarot reading right now would show me going...to the bar! You drunkard. No, I meant the BAR EXAM. Lawyership HERE I COME!

Agri"culture"

7/19/12

Taming wild plants and forcing them to do our bidding has been one of the most decisive victories humans can claim over nature. To experience my "roots" in humanity, I have decided to try my hand in agriculture.

Living in a third story apartment building in a crowded city, I am not able to sow my seeds wherever I please, so I journeyed to Bachman's to see what they had available for a city dweller like myself to grow. On the shelf I spotted a box perfect for my needs. Inside contained a "grow from a box" mushroom farm. "But...mushrooms are not plants...they technically aren't even food".  I try my best damnit! I'll be the one laughing when you are eating your limp pasta without a bounty of mushrooms in your sauce. Also, I thought it matched my personality, being a "fun guy" already. Groan. Now, off to soak them for an hour and stare at them for 10 days until the bloom up.

The box

The goods

8/01/12

It appears there are some "rav"enous fans of this blog so I will continue to update as often as I can. Last week I was in Canada though and could not find any internet, and I looked in every tube I could find.

After my triumphant return from the third world I was amazed to find that my shroom was abloom. Right now mushy (as she will be named) looks like something that fell out of Shrek's ear, but I hope that was just because she did not get her twice daily mistings. A girl has got to stay moist ya know. Hopefully with some H2O she'll plump up. Also if you were interested in growing your own mushy's check out their website: http://backtotheroots.com. They do some good work, I always thought about wondering where my coffee grounds ended up and there are some interesting vids to check out.

Uh....

Poor dry mushy

1/08/13

Alas I am sad to report that while on my jaunt up to the algid Canadian wastes, Mushy (which I have come to call my beautiful, fungal creation) dried up more than Michael Richards career. My meager farming skills were of no help to the husk and I tossed it in the trash where if would feel more at home with other crap that didn't work. In terms of culture, well done farmers, keepers of the land and masters of plant life. Without your keen knowledge of plant seduction and infrequent trips to other countries (more of) the world would be starving. Kudos.

It begins

7/16/12

Hello Self and others groovy enough to read this amazing blog. Due to a severe lack of "umph" happening in my daily routine I have decreed the need for a change.

I've come up with a multitude of ideas/activities that will help keep me constantly trying new things, rediscovering old experiences, and exploring a lot of aspects of culture.

The list I've come up with is not very new. In fact, they make up some of the most essential pieces of civilization and human culture. I will be trying to experiment with them in my own way and deal with them as I can, on a limited budget and living space.

Onward!

Starting the Journey